Since finding out my cancer was back at the end of March, it has been that emotional rollercoaster. I can be just going on with my day, and it hits me like a ton of bricks and knocks me down in only a matter of seconds. I do not want cancer to define me, in theory, that sounds so easy. Some days though it consumes me. My goal is not to let it consume me to the point where it defines me.
Last week I saw my Oncologist. This week on Wednesday I see the surgeon. I have a very rare form of eye cancer and having it in both eyes I am told is even rarer. I know more of what to expect this time around and know right now I am in the, hurry up and wait, stage. And it can be so very frustrating as is the unknown of having a rare form of cancer, I am finding out.
I am trying not to do the, “what ifs.” And it is so easy to do and seems unlike with my breast cancer I am thinking of the, “what ifs” so much more. Like, what if I do go blind? I can not even imagine how of every aspect of my life will change. Right now, that is what I am trying not to let consume me. It is always with my thoughts though. I am trying to give it over to God completely. To let Him take my worries and trust in Him.
I am trying to give it over to God completely. To let Him take my worries and trust in Him. To be still and calm in thought knowing God loves me. I pray that I am stronger in my faith and belief. Knowing God will never give me more then I can handle. Why though even I know this, can it still be so hard? It seems I am struggling greatly and peace within my soul has gone missing.