Category: Personal

Surgery And Snow

On the 17th of Oct, my husband and I drove 3 hours for a simple surgery, that was made hard because of my cancer. 3 days in the ICU and a visit from CDC (because some of this stuff can only happen to me) 11 days later, I am glad to say I am back home!

And in other news, in the North Woods of Wisconsin, we have our first snowfall this weekend, and the snow really has not stopped falling. Yes, the snow in light but those little flurries over time add up.  But as long as I can still play in the snow and cold, I am happy. So here is to winter, Bottoms Up.

Cancer

Your cancer is back.

It was 2014 February 5th I was 38. I had a few lumps in my breast, and I have had cysts in the past. Getting a Mammogram was no worry. It was taking longer than normal, and they did an ultrasound, again no worries. I have been down that road before. I have very bumpy breast.

“You have breast cancer.” The radiologist came in and told me just like that. I remember thinking, what did he just say? Breast cancer? How? It took me a few minutes for my brain to comprehend what I was just told, breast cancer. The tears started to fill my eyes, I had not control. I was also by myself. I was told I have breast cancer and to expect a phone call in the next few days. And he walks out the door.

I had stage 3 breast cancer, and cancer metastasized into my lymph nodes. I had my left breast removed, chemo and radiation. I did not want cancer to define me. I did not want people to feel sorry for me, and I did not want to be pitied. I am me, I am not cancer. I did not change who I was. I am still here today. I also knew the chance of getting cancer in the next 5 years was 80 percent.

I have been having problems with my eyes. My right eye was swelling, and my left eyelid had bumps, and it was getting worse.  In two weeks my eyes were swelled and uncomfortable. It is like constant pressure. Take your finger and push on your eye. I am not in pain but uncomfortable

I made an appointment with my eye doctor. I was set up to see a specialist right away. I am losing vision in my right eye, and he said those lumps are not lumps, my eyelids are hardening. The eye doctor wanted to me have an MRI as soon as possible. I had the MRI last Thursday, and on Friday I was told those words you never want to hear.

My cancer is back in my eyes. The MRI showed no cancer in the brain, or behind the eyes, I did not know my doctor was checking for cancer in the brain. I had to make those horrid phone calls again. And it is rare cancer I could not answer all the questions my family asked. I apologized, I had to put my family through this again.

Now, its hurry up and wait. My doctors are meeting to get a plan ready. I am getting daily phone calls telling me what my doctors are doing. My next doctor I see is an oncologist. I do not know the date yet. In the beginning, it can be so frustrating.

I do not know if I will loss my eyesight. And I am terrified of losing my vision. If anyone reads this, please say a prayer. I do not plan on changing my blog or posting about my cancer. I do not want that for my Blog. I am going to try to keep posting every day on those articles that interest me. And try not to let cancer beat me or define me.

 

 

 

Monday

Missing

Missing, a girl, her computer, and a few days of posts. I let my little negative voice that sets up and camps get very comfortable take over this weekend. Let’s name her, Nelly. She is packing and going home soon. I did not enjoy her visit.

I have to remember who and why I am writing. I write for me. If someone stops by and reads what I have to say, that is a bonus. I will never turn someone away because of different view points. I would rather learn your viewpoint, and who knows, maybe I can make a few new friends.

I am not a writer.  I have never taken one writing class. I know the very basic grammar rules. I think I was about eight when I started to keep a journal. I believe it was a Christmas present. I remember my first story I wrote. I was at my Grandparents house; I wrote a short story about Pluto and Micky. I was so proud of those few little sentences. In the 5th grade, I discovered I could rhyme word together and make fun little poems. I do not write poems about sappy stuff or getting real deep into thought. I like to have fun with the words. Words are one of my best friends, and they are not meant to hurt me.

My negative Nelly coming for a visit was only a matter of time. In fact, I was expecting her sooner. My medications and prior treatments can make a simple point I am trying to get across so frustrating and dishearting. Something as simple as putting words together to form a sentence, a coherent sentence seems impossible at times. Expanding my vocabulary past, “see Jane run, see Dick jump,” takes on something that seems almost impossible at times. And, grammar and language rules, I think have packed up and left with negative Nelly.

I have all the books all the workbooks to help me. That is not the problem; my problem is keeping and recalling those rules. I am so thankful for modern technology, but it can only do so much. I do not want my writing to seem so sterile that it ends up without my personality without character in general. If someone does read something I wrote, I want the reader to come away from the post knowing something about me.

My little pity party with negative Nelly started on Friday. I was writing in my little notebook I use to write ideas or something I heard on the news to write about on my blog. Then, Nelly knocked on the door. She gave me no warning this visit. ” Why do you bother, and waste your time, you suck at it.” She came that fast and slapped me across my face. I did not even turn the computer on from Friday until today. I just wanted to give up. No one would know. Most people do not know I write, and even fewer know I have a blog. There is a reason for not telling others, and I will get to that in some other post.

Giving up would be easy. I am only fooling myself, thinking I am something that I am not. Who am I trying to impress anyway? People go to college to learn this stuff, who do you think you are? And the negative Nelly thoughts go on for almost four days. I can really talk my way into thinking I am stupid and a fool. It used to be one of my favorite things to do.

Negative Nelly left this morning. But like that thing you threw into the garbage from the back of the refrigerator starts warming up to room temperature. It starts to smell really bad! It will take a few days to air out. Next time I  hope to stop her at the door. To remember why I write, why I have a blog. I write for myself. I write because I enjoy writing.  I know I am not a writer and I only play one on my blog. And because I write, I have never stopped learning. I think I am fine with that.